THE BATTLE OF MY BULGE

   Have you been thinking about your New Year Resolutions yet?  I want to lose a few pounds, no really a few tons.  I have been overweight my entire life.  Face it I am a Big Guy I am 6 ft. 1 with a size 14 shoe and I weigh in at NONE OF YOUR DANG BUSINESS!

Like a whole lot of you it is a struggle to eat right and to exercise, I grew up in the age of fast food and soda.  Big Mac’s, Whoppers, Coke, Pepsi, and even RC COLA (with a moon pie, it’s a southern thing) but as 2017 ends I really would like to drop a few lbs.  I am working out 4 to 5 times a week and it has helped, but as the song goes “FOOD GLORIUS FOOD”

I love all kinds of food, mostly the unhealthy stuff and as I get older and wiser (fatter too) I have found some healthy foods I really like.  Salads with oil and vinegar is awesome, Baked Chicken is one of my favorites but oh how I long for a Buffet.  During the line dancing craze the only line dance I could do was a Buffet line.

Here is one of my favorite Standup Comics John Pinnete on Buffets

As we get ready for the New Year there are plenty of diet plans just make sure it makes sense for you.  Paleo, The New Atkins, South Beach Slim fast, Weight Watchers.   But the important thing is to make some life style changes and learn to say no.  That is not easy this time of the year with all the Christmas treats being brought to my home and to the Station, but do I try —sometimes but being honest not most of the time.  BRING ON THE CHRISTMAS COOKIES AND EGG NOG.  There is always 2018.

Holiday foods lead to BAD BREATH:  Listen here

Stupid news: A Bad Santa, A meat bandit, and a Missing Monkey

 

Laff lines Dan Soder – Video games

WHEN I GROW UP!

 

As a child you are asked “What do you want to be when you grow up?:   A doctor, an astronaut, a pro  football player or in my case BATMAN! 

I remember being asked that a lot when I was growing up.  When you’re a teen you really get those questions.  So what did I want to be when I grew up, a couple of things I considered just were not meant to be, mainly because you had to study Math!

I thought about being a weatherman, really weather fascinates me and I really looked into in.

Other possible career choices included, the military but I didn’t like people telling me what to do and I still don’t, but I respect those who serve our country.

I looked into the medical field, not as a Doctor but as a repertory or physical therapist.

But all that went away when I had my 1st experience with radio.  I was a Sr. in high school and the Memphis School system had a station at a nearby school and I went and was hooked.

I grew up always listening to the radio.  George Klein and Rick Dee’s of Disco Duck fame were 2 of my favorites.  I even met Dee’s pre duck days when I answered telephones at the station he worked for in Memphis.  Rick and his boss a man named Bill Murray (NOPE NOT HIM) came in to say hi to those answering phones and offered us an album of our choice.   Murray was shocked when I chose Frankie Valli the album that had “My eyes adored you “ had just been released,and I had been to a 4 seasons concert the year before.

I have worked at several radio station over the years but I have been here  23 years.   I will be here until they pull the microphone from “MY COLD DEAD HANDS”  if you love what you do and they pay you for it why not?

Here are a couple of bad jokes I found, about what you wanted to do.  Hope they make you laugh

  • I wanted to be a food taster, but I bit off more than I could chew.
    • I wanted to be a baker, but I couldn’t raise the dough.
    • I wanted to be a pilot, but it never took off.
    • I wanted to be a librarian, but I shelved the idea.
    • I wanted to be a butcher, but I backed into a meat grinder and got a little behind in my work.
    • I wanted to be a dentist, but I was always down in the mouth.

The NFL was the subject of Dave’s matter of perspective and what did we google in 2017.  Listen here

Stupid news had Crickets, 911 and a lost package.  Listen here

 

Laff Lines Jim Gaffagan:  Belts and Suspenders

WHITE ELEPHANT GIFT IDEAS

Have you ever been to a Christmas party and been asked to bring a “WHITE ELEPHANT GIFT”?  But what to bring and should it be silly or something someone can use?

I have been to parties where there have been both, but it is the silly one’s that I love to see people get!   Now if you throw in the game where you can steal a gift from someone who practically begs to get rid of that Dog Poop Air freshener.

So as a public service I have come to the rescue with some White Elephant Gift Ideas.

A public toilet survival kit.  A pair of disposable gloves, antiseptic wipes, and a toilet seat cover, throw in a roll or two of toilet paper.

Coupons from a grocery store, make sure you mix in some that are out of date   .

A roll of Saran Wrap

Used Candles

A lollipop with an ant in it or the one with the worm in it.

A few years ago at a company party I brought a can of spam all wrapped up and pretty and former coworker Bop Apphun was the one who got it. Now if there is one thing I know about Bob is that he hate Spam.   I even conspired with the others to make sure he would get it.  I don’t think he ever forgave me.

The next 2 years that can of Spam made the rounds until it came back to me, I checked the expiration date and that can of Spam tasted Yummy!

While in Arkansas when the Cabbage Patch doll craze was taking place.  My White elephant was a Cabbage Patch doll.  A head of Cabbage with Mr. Potato head parts for a do it yourself project!  When it was opened no one understood what it was.  I guess when you have to explain the joke it is not that funny.

Woman in pink lipstick biting large chocolate bar

I have heard of people giving out Chocolate as a White Elephant, sounds pretty good unless that Chocolate is X-Lax.  Then that pubic toilet survival kit starts sounding like a great gift

Merry White Elephant Christmas

Dave

Today on Stupid news a real life Scrooge Grinch and Idiot rolled into one, A Wedding goes bad, and a new Word of the Year award Listen here:

Laff lines Jim Gaffagan on Pirates

 

 

 

 

ICE ICE BABY

We have all done it, its winter and it’s icy, we are walking on ice and KABLAMO!    After making sure nothing is broken and apologizing to people around use for our use of about 9 million four letter words, we get up carefully and try to act like nothing happened.

It is that time of year again when snow and ice make driving and walking outside an adventure.   Falls on ice can be very serious.  Talk to anyone who has worked in an Emergency room or Urgent Care they can tell you horror stories about falling on ice.  But admit it that sometimes seeing people fall is kind of funny.

I have had my share of Ice falls but I had a roommate at Ricks College that made it a way of life.  John was from a small town along the Arizona Mexico border and he hated ICE.  When walking to class on a cold snowy morning in Rexburg you could hear John saying “ice, ice, ice” and usually followed by ‘YEE HAW” SPLAT.  That man fell a lot.

One day John and I along with some friends were in downtown Rexburg it was a cold clear day the sidewalks were pretty clean but not for John”  “YEE HAW”  SPLAT.  John had found a strip of ice maybe 6 inches wide and 10 inches long and KA BLAMO.

There was a day while changing classes I saw John running after some girl he had a crush on and while trying to climb a mound of snow and ice “YEE HAW” It looked like a Charlie Brown on a Pitching mound.  I laughed so had I almost fell too.

One more John falling on ice story was during the spring thaw.   The parking lot at the dorm was very wet and some icy spots.   Some our us were going to drive to Idaho Falls for some fun and John was waiting on the other end of the parking lot for us to pick him up.  He was just standing, yes standing there when we could hear across the parking lot “YEE HAW” He took a major fall and it looked like he did a belly flop in a swimming pool as the water went flying.  Our trip was delayed while John went to get some dry clothes on.  One of the funniest things I have ever witnessed.  Luckily after all those falls the only thing injured was his pride and a few butt bruises.

So be careful as we go about and if you ever hear ‘YEE HAW’ it was probably John

Today’s stupid news included an autograph session, Christmas lights in Idaho and an ATM robbery.  Listen here

Morning Laff lines is all about flying in a small plane

MEMORIES OF BETTYE

 

I was having lunch with my wife on Tuesday when I received a call telling me that my oldest sister Bettye Scherer had passed away in California.  She had been ill for several months and had been in and out of hospitals for quite a while.

I’m telling you this because I loved my sister very much, despite not being able to spend a lot of time together over the years.

Our father passed away in 1961 when I was just 4 years old and Bettye was married shortly after that.  To be honest I have very few memories on my sister before 1968.  We would talk on the phone for a few minutes but she was married to Gary who was in the Navy and had moved away from Memphis when I was very young.

So today in honor of my sister I thought I would share some great memories of my sister.

One of the 1st times I got to spend time with my sister was when I was 16 and they came to visit us in Memphis.   I got to go back to San Jose with them in there van.  It was my 1st time in California and Bettye asked me what I thought, and in my sarcastic 16 year old brain I said “It’s OK if you like brown”  I grew up in Tennessee and we had grass and tree’s everything was green but not in  San Jose.   We always had a good laugh with that.

On that same trip my sister got very protective of me.  I had gone to church with her family and there were 3 girls that started to flirt with me and yeah my hormones were HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY.   The girls and I were in the foyer and they invited me to come with them to several activities with them. YES!!!!!  But right then Bettye came around the corner and heard what was going on and said “You know my brother is only 16 years old” Come to find out the girls were in college and thought I was a lot older than I was.  Let’s just say the flirting stopped faster than a car hitting a brick wall WHAM!   Thanks Sis!

The last time I got to spend several weeks with my sister were under strange circumstances.   Bettye had come back to Memphis for our sister’s wedding and while there had fallen and broken her ankle severely.  An injury that affected her walking ability the rest of her life and eventually led to her doctor telling her he would either have to amputate or fuse her ankle.  She opted to have it fused,

The summer after her accident I had come back home after my 1st year in college.  She was on crutches after her surgery and could not travel so all her Children were staying with her and our Mom in a small house in Memphis.  But we had a great time getting to know each other again.   I had a job at a convenience store to make some extra money for school but there were times when Bettye and I got to talk and enjoy each other.  One of those times was while watch TV a commercial came on for a new Candy Bar called” Forever Yours” and it looked awesome.  Bettye just raved over how good it looked, so the next day after work I brought her one and I thought she was going to cry!  A special memory for me.  The candy bar went out of production but came back with a different name “Milky Way Dark” and now when I see one I always get that memory of my sister.

               

I will be gone for a few days to attend to some family items so I will take this time to wish you a Merry Christmas and remind you to remember the real reason we celebrate!

So I am sure you will excuse my absence for a few days but I will miss being with you each morning during this Christmas time.

While I am away I will find a “Milky Way Dark” and as I am eating it a tear will come to my eye ….. I love you Bettye!

Here is a great story about George Clooney: Listen here

Stupid news:  has wild turkeys beards and a Fatberg update

Laff lines Rachel Feinsteen on her dad and Facebook

 

INVERSION DIVERSION

 

Is there anything more beautiful than seeing the landscape all in white after a snow storm?   One of my favorite things to see in the winter is the snow on the trees and during Christmas to see the evergreen bushes that have lights under the snow.  I also like to walk outside right after a snow late at night or early in the morning and listen to the quite, it is a unique quite that I can’t describe but I would bet you know exactly what I am talking about.

Yes I love a Cache Valley winter usually!  But every year we get a time of INVERSION!  The air is trapped because of the cold and the only thing that can clean the air is a storm system to move through and stir up the air.   I also dread the inversion because it makes it so hard to breath.  You know that people with health issues are having a hard time breathing and on the news they are telling us not to idle our cars, yet this morning I stop at a store near the station at 5am and there are 2 cars in the lot with the cars running and no one in them.  Come on people you are adding to the Inversion and on top of that you are asking to have your car stolen.    THINK!

There are so many wonderful things about winter and where we all live work and play.  BUT THE INVERSION AIN’T ONE OF THEM!!!!!!!

Here is our salute to the INVERSION:  listen here

Stupid news includes a shoplifter, some stupid tourist, and some news from Utah State and it includes a stupid news update.  Listen here

Laff lines is all about Ice Cream:  Listen here

CHRISTMAS CAN STRESS YOU OUT!

 

Merry Christmas   a greeting we hear this time of the year.  Yes I love Christmas time, all the good will a, the parties the joy of giving and as Sally Brown said in Peanuts the Joy of Getting. As the song say’s Christmas can be a pain.   The parody of the 12 days of Christmas by Bob Rivers makes me laugh every time I hear it.  Think about it sometimes the stresses of life are increased by the Holiday’s from dealing with Family and the lights (ONE GOES OUT THEY ALL GO OUT) there are things we can dread during the Christmas season

According to a new survey, 19% of people say they can’t WAIT for the holiday season to be over.

And here are the things they’re dreading . . .

  1. Nonstop Christmas music.
  2. Wrapping presents.
  3. Carolers.
  4. Decorating.

So enjoy Christmas and all the Joy it brings and don’t stress too much or you might go nuts!   Listen here

Today on Stupid news the case of missing Binkies is solved, 3 words I thought I would never say on the radio, and a snowball fight is cancelled find out why all in Stupid News  listen here

 

I had some fun at the weather forcast, Jimmy Fallon’s thank you notes all right here.

 

Laff lines Don McMillian on Fonts.  Listen here

GO SPORTS!

Today at the Cache Valley Media Group we were asked to wear our favorite sport team jerseys and T- shirts.  Here are some pictures of people I work with every day.   It is a great place to work (or play radio as I like to call it).

As you can tell by my pictures I am a fan of the St. Louis Cardinals.

Now I only could wear a few things today.  I have one other Jersey (White with a huge stain on it, I am a sloppy eater) 3 more T- shirts and One more Jacket.   I love my redbirds and always have.   But I do follow other teams.   In basketball of course it is the Jazz, I have a Jazz tie that goes to church with me.  Living in Logan I am an Aggie fan!  I even went to 2 Aggie Football road games years before I came to Logan.  One in Memphis and one in Columbia Mo.   In Hockey it’s the Blackhawks and Bruins.

However in the NFL I don’t have a favorite team. WHY? Well growing up in Memphis I loved the Football Cardinals and even went to the final home game at Bush Stadium in St. Louis.  Now they are the Arizona Cardinals and I watch them and cheer for them some but I can say that about the entire NFL. …..Well I should qualify that statement.  I never cheer for the Dallas Cowboys.    It is like asking me to cheer for the Cubs in Baseball.  It won’t happen, never have, never will.

Now that I have ticked off Cowboy and Cub fans let me say this.  Cheer for your team, love your team, I understand BUT IS JUST CAN’T NEVER HAVE NEVER WILL!

On the subject of sports let me say this I am also a huge fan of Sports entertainment!  Pro Wrestling,  I have watched since I was a kid, I grew up watching Jerry the King Lawler, the Fabulous Ones, The Road Warriors, Hulk Hogan, Macho Man and so many others.  I love the story telling the good versus evil aspect.  Kind of like a soap opera and Super Hero show rolled up into one.  I even do a podcast outside of the radio station called Turnbuckle Trash.  It is safe for work and a lot of fun if you would like to listen to it our website is Turnbuckletrash.net

On today’s Stupid news; Salt Lake is Hipster, A bank robbery, man gets a microwave stuck on his head and a mom gets revenge.  Listen here

Laff lines; Kathleen Madigan on shopping Listen here

 

 

 

I AM NOT SMART ENOUGH FOR A SMART PHONE

I am a 60 year old man that knows little about technology.   I know just enough to surf the web, use the computer at work and I have a Smart Phone that makes me feel dumb.

I love how the latest tech helps simplify our lives.  SIMPLIFY ARE YOU KIDDING.   Think about it, the 1st few times you try to use new tech it is one of the most frustrating things in life.   Don’t get me started on when the tech doesn’t work the way it is should.

So here it is Christmas time and you might be giving or get tech.  One of the hottest gifts this year will be the Tech assistants where you say things like “Alexa help me understand how to use this &^%$!

A new survey we talked about this morning found 60% of us plan to give someone a gadget for Christmas this year.  But be careful with older relatives . . . because you also have to be their TECH SUPPORT!  I NEED HELP!

90% of millennials in the survey said they’ve had to help a family member with a tech gift.  Either setting it up for them, or teaching them how to use it.  Sometimes both.

50% said they’ve spent more than an hour helping an older relative with a tech gift.  The gifts that require the most time are new phones, computers, and tablets.

Sometimes all that time and money are just a waste though.  32% of people in the survey said they have at least one family member who doesn’t use a gadget they got, because they still don’t know how.

Honestly, it is fun to learn how to use this tech, frustrating sure and some people just don’t want to learn how to do it.  I understand those thoughts but dang those games on my Smart phone are fun!!

Merry Tech Christmas

Today on Stupid news, A Helicopter Cop, a kick in the —– and a story from Broadway that you just can’t make up.  Listen here

Laff lines Kevin Nelon on Stars as gifts listen here

 

 

CHRISTMAS MUSIC

It is that time of year when there is Christmas music filling the air everywhere.   In a previous blog I told the story of the little girl who before Thanksgiving was in the Christmas spirt but she was confused on the words for Jingle Bells.  She sang Jingle Bells Jingle Bells Jingle Bells Jingle Bells Jingle Bells over and over again, it was so cute but I bet Mom was ready to pull her hair own hair out.

I must admit I love Christmas music, well like it is probably more truthful.   I do get a little tired of hearing the same songs over and over again but by different recording stars.   Now before you start calling me a Scrooge here is what I mean.  According to the music licensing company Music Reports, there ARE 137,315 recorded versions of “Silent Night”!   Of course, “Silent Night” isn’t the only holiday song that’s been recorded to death.

Here are the Top 10 most-recorded holiday songs, according to Music Reports:

 

  1. “Silent Night”, recorded 137,315 times
  2. “White Christmas”, 128,276 versions
  3. “Jingle Bells”, 89,681 versions
  4. “The Christmas Song”, 80,064 versions
  5. “Winter Wonderland”, 70,471 versions
  6. “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”, 68,669 versions
  7. “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”, 65,377 versions
  8. “Joy to the World”, 59,767 versions
  9. “I’ll Be Home for Christmas”, 56,552 versions
  10. “Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!”, 54,446 versions

I do have some personal favorites

White Christmas – The Drifters Version

Peace on Earth- Little Drummer Boy—David Bowie and Bing Crosby

Merry Christmas Darling- the Carpenters, now it I didn’t include that on my list I could never show my face at home again.  But I do love that song

Snoopy’s Christmas- Why? Hey it’s Snoopy!

The Little Drummer boy next door—Ray Stevens

Celebrate me home- Kenny Loggins, a song I listen to year long.

Have a KOOL Yule

When is the best time to take down the Christmas Decorations; Listen here

Stupid news has a Mall Santa, running from the cops, and a Lucky couple Listen here

Laff Lines: Rodney Dangerfield having car trouble